Monday, Jun. 23, 2003 - 4:21 p.m.

1:06 p.m. Parked right in front of Subway eager to pick up something quick for lunch so I could race back to my pad eat then fall asleep watching TLC�s A Dating Story. Upon arrival I was thrilled to find that there is no line. In fact the only person in front of me is a man of substantial stature dressed in loose fitting clothes suggesting he is a devotee of Jared Fogle. I wondered if Jared�s amazing weight-loss adventure perhaps motivated Substantial Stature Man to eat healthy by incorporating Subway sandwiches into his diet and exercise plan.

1:13 p.m. Bingo. I was right. I can spot them. After weighing all sandwich and salad options, ranging from the Veggie Delite salad to the Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki sandwich, Substantial Stature Man�s lament for the 12" 42 grams of fat Dijon Horseradish Melt was practically an audible wail as he rued his thoughtless acts of his overeating past.

1:15 p.m. While SSM quizzed the $5.15 employee about the difference in fat grams, saturated fat grams and grams of carbohydrates in what seemed to be each and every sandwich I began my own audible wail and grieved my poor decision of Subway over luck-of�the-draw of what hasn�t spoiled yet in my refrigerator.

1:16 p.m. I wondered if the inquisition of nutritional pros and cons of sodium verses sugar verses dietary fiber could possible take place as the Subway employee made my turkey breast sandwich.

1:17 p.m. My frantic searching for a second employee perhaps returning from a smoking break or from an acne medicine reapplying was answered by $5.15 telling me, "I�ll be right with you." Still able to verbally control my annoyance I opted to shoot anger rays out of my eye sockets at SSM and only replied, "Okay, but I am in a bit of a hurry." I was already resigned to missing A Dating Story but I did not want to miss the 1:30 airing of A Wedding Story.

1:22 p.m. Realizing the anger ray thing was a complete waste of time I finally spoke up saying, "Okay, this is ridiculous. Can you just make my sandwich while he�s deciding?" SSM replied, "Excuse me but I was here first so just relax."

1:23 p.m. Just relax? How dare he tell me to just relax? First of all telling me to "just relax" is like daring me begging me insisting that I go idiot all up on his shit. But nope, not me, not today and with an exhale of anger, disappointment and frustration I turn to SSM and in interrupting his debate between the Red Wine Vinaigrette Club and the Chipotle Southwest Turkey Bacon sandwich I say in my best sardonically-mocking tone, "What�s with you?"

1:23:10 p.m. As $5.15 slowly backed away it was yet another clue that SSM was a regular filibustering customer accomplished in obstructionist tactics for the purpose of drawing out the interaction with the outside world by instance of delaying the sandwich ordering process.

1:23:12 p.m. SSM responds, "Excuse me? What�s with me? You have no idea "what�s with me"? Have you ever had the feeling that your worlds coming to a screeching halt and if you had just planned a bit better or paid more attention you could have done something about it instead of letting doom fill your life like sand weighing you down to the deepest depths of sorrow and you think maybe, just maybe, getting out of the house might do the trick and help you forget about your pathetic life for five fuckin� minutes?" Reminding of Austin Powers' Fat Bastard wanting to eat Mini-Me, the other other white meat, I jovially replied, "Hey what�s with the tears? Get the 6" 4.5 grams of fat Red Wine Vinaigrette Club. Sounds like a winner!" Then turned to the crowd behind me, shrugged my shoulders, and said, "I was just making conversation."

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