Monday, Jun. 09, 2003 - 4:20 p.m.

Friday � June 6th

7:30 p.m. Kitty, Jr and I arrived at Alegria, my favorite strip-mall Mexican restaurant and waited our turn for available seating. Along side us waiting for a four-top was television star and self-disclosed recent rehab grad Miss Yasmine Bleeth currently playing role of seductress to longtime has-been, Nels Van Patten. Watching Nels stroke and nuzzle Yasmine like a kitten to a new ball of yarn it didn�t take a genius to figure out they had more in common then hair bleaching disasters, sun-damaged skin and future reconstructive septum surgeries they also shared a kinship in poor taste of ill-fitting soiled and tattered sweat togs.

8:30 p.m. After a delicious dinner of Ahi Tuna tacos my fellow running mates and I piled into my freshly washed Lexus and headed toward the heartland of the San Bernardino Valley, a dustbowl of a secret the local folks like to call Fontana. Fontana, most-known for their highly touted half-marathon which we were to take part.

9:58 p.m. As we raced down the 210 Freeway toward barren oblivion we knew we had reached our destination when we came across a road sign reading, "Welcome to Fontana. It�s a lot like Montana but without the trees."

10:02 p.m. Pulled into the parking foyer of the effervescent AmeriHost Inn Hotel. Although the parking lot, lobby and surrounding common areas were deserted one could almost feel the imprint of positive energy of guests happy to only be staying the hour it took to take care of business.

10:05 p.m. The fine staff conducted herself admirably as she boasted that all rooms at the AmeriHost Inn Hotel came complete with shower and smoke detector and all this at a moderate room rate. Imagine.

10:27 p.m. She soon found our room reservation and shuttled us off to the only clean room available which coincidentally happened to be a smoking room on the all smoking floor.

10:29 p.m. As we pulled around back to park our car we finally came across some other folks. They appeared to be hotel guests departing some sort of father/daughter function. The fathers either casually dressed or in business attire and their daughters all in similar Pamela Anderson costume awkwardly racing for their perspective cars.

10:33 p.m. As Kitty, Jr and I walked down the ashtray scented hallway I told them both that if my pubic lice infected bed smelled like smoke that I was going to complain. Kitty agreed and told us that if her cum stained bedspread smelled like smoke she'd complain too.

10:35 p.m. Entering the room I was happy to see the cubicle included two double beds, a rollaway cot, a table and a club chair. Fortunately the guestroom also came equipped with a telephone which I disinfected and then immediately called the front desk informing them that the cot didn�t have a blanket. The concierge informed me that it doesn�t normally come with a blanket but if I�d like to make a request she�d have one sent up posthaste and at no extra charge. I informed her that sending up the blanket would be a good idea.

10:45 p.m. After laughing about the "60 Minutes" expos� on the number of germs from body fluid and fecal matter that are found in the average hotel room we mused how wise AmeriHost was to pick a color scheme and fabrics that so smartly hid blood, cum and urine stains. However, the solid red colored club chair and its mysteriously sinister defiled blotch atop the seat cushion stumped us. After we took turns theorizing the orifice responsible for the spotted discoloration we then turned to a scratch and sniff analysis for additional aid.

11:10 p.m. When the front desk clerk arrived with the blanket we decided to put an end to the shenanigans and simply ask her as to the origin of the chair mark. She took a thoughtful second or two before offering her expert opinion of vagina as the orifice and KY as the culprit.

12:15 a.m. Tucked and snug in my rollaway cot and the others in there comfy beds we were surprised it took a full hour before the pubic lice were able to make their way from hiding to our moist hair covered body parts proving my theory that everything moves a bit slower outside the city limits.

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