Thursday, May 15, 2003 - 11:10 p.m.

The Date

Part Two:

9:50 p.m. It was definitely his ordering of the Brownies with White Chocolate Chunks, Cr�me Anglaise and Vanilla ice Cream without the Cr�me Anglaise and the vanilla replaced with coconut ice cream that confirmed my decision to end the nightmare of this absurdly preposterous date with a man unfeasible to please.

9:54 p.m. I imagined the two of us back at my place in the throws of amorous sexual enjoyment when all of the sudden he halts the activity and asks, "Would it be possible for you to burn a candle that�s more woodsy than flowery." I, addicted to accommodating, would of course rummage through my whatnot cupboard and swap out the scented candles. Naturally, back in the throws of hot yet tender lovemaking, he would once again pauses the action requesting, "Do you by any chance have a water-soluble lubricant?" Annoyed I�d most likely respond, whether it was true or not, "It is water-soluble." Before things could heat up again he�d inquire, "That�s not ribbed by any chance is it?" At this point I see myself a wits end, then enduring the humiliation and embarrassment of the trial, then spending the next 10 to 15 years sharing a cell with a gentleman who would actually complain verses passively making requests. And I don�t think he really knew what Cr�me Anglaise was, I think he was just being difficult for difficulty�s sake.

10:02 p.m. Admittedly, in-between the "now it�s too colds" and "now it�s too warms" he�s really quite charming and fun to be with. But so am I and I�m tired of picking men that test my limits. I�m tired of making everything easy. I�m tired of being accommodating. It�s too hard on me, too draining, too demeaning, and too heartbreaking. Not to mention a real bore.

10:16 p.m. Just after exchanging the cream for milk and just before asking for another cup of coffee from a freshly brewed pot Date says, "So, you only wear Khaki�s?" Not wanting him to have a perversely inaccurate depiction of my idiosyncrasies I quickly corrected him saying, "No, sometimes I wear jeans. Granted they�re white or off-white but they�re jeans." Date says, "Wow." My date is seemingly having a difficult time wrapping his brain around the concept and almost casually comments as if it were simply an amusing or fleeting thought, "That�s an odd quirk." "Quirk?" I ask barely able to contain myself from his verbal judgement knowing that at least I had the decency to silently scrutinize his inability to deal. He quips, "I would have thought you were different." Dander raised I ask, "Really, how so?" "I thought you were more like me more go with the flow," he explains. I calmly say to him, "Okay, hold up. First of all there is nothin� �go with the flow� flowing an-knee-where near you." "Meaning, " he questions. "Meaning, you can�t stop yourself from being contrary if your life depended on it," I tell him. He tells me, "I don�t know what you�re talking about." I quickly add, "For example, the busboy brought you a glass of water. You sent it back asking for a glass without ice. Three minutes later he brings you another glass and you complain it�s too tepid!"

10:28 p.m. He�s quick to correct me, "It was tepid and I never complained." I say, "Stop saying �tepid� and no you wouldn�t think of complaining. You just request that anything and everything be different. You�re deeply troubled and as much as I�d love to stick around and get to know you better I see where it�s heading and it ain�t pretty." Date, after catching his breath, "Really?" I say, "Yeah." "And where�s that, " he asks. I tell him, "It ends with me thirty-five pounds overweight in a severe emotional depression and possible suicidal state spending two-hundred and twenty-five dollars a week on the couch of a Beverly Hills shrink trying to figure out what the fuck happened in my childhood that turned me into a freak magnet or �contrarily� is it like attracts like"

10:31 p.m. Sympathetically, Date says, "I think we should give it a chance."

10:32 p.m. I pinch myself to make sure I�m not dreaming and, in an inappropriate restaurant level, voice my shock at his suggestion, "Contrary! Contrary! Contrary!

10:33 p.m. Exhausted from the evening I wearily give in and say, "Come on. Let�s get out of here. I�m give you a ride home." He responds, "No, I�ll walk." Triumphant I cry, "Ah ha, I gotcha, Contrary Mary!" and left the building.

�

previous - next