Thursday, May. 15, 2003 - 11:00 pm

The Date

Part One:

4:45 p.m. Spoke with tonight�s date and was very enticed by his suggestion that I pick him up at his home on my way to the restaurant. Even though I�m not one to blow things out of proportion I couldn�t help but to do the Snoopy dance combined with movements synonymous with a wide receiver catching a near impossible pass just prior to stepping over the goal line to win the Superbowl for the nations most beloved underdog Cinderella team.

6:00 p.m. Arrived home and immediately commenced straightening the condo just in case we should continue what will most likely be a stimulating conversation accented by arousing debate back at my digs. Put out a fresh scented orange blossom candle in the bedroom, put out freshly washed spring dew scented guest towels, put out a new guest toothbrush, and put out additional post-date accouterment just in case he puts out.

6:46 p.m. Having scheduled the last hour down to the minute it�s time to drop to the floor on hands and knees and attempt to pump the chest up to maximum allure.

7:02 p.m. Shower, lather, loofah, shampoo, conditioner, towel off, moisturize, brush, floss, mouthwash, tweeze, clip, gel, blow-dry, dress, and depart.

7:30 p.m. Although I arrive exactly on time I circle the block as to not appear too date-eager or overly motivated by an extreme and unreasonable enthusiasm for being on time.

7:32 p.m. I call the Date from my celly, "Hey, I�m downstairs." He replies, "See you in a sec." Wow, he�s so clearly in love with me.

8:00 p.m. Arrive at Opalene Restaurant. As we follow the hostess to the left toward our cozy romantic table for two Date asks if it would be possible to have the table on the right. Once seated he immediately flags down a member of the wait staff and commenting on the room being a little warm asks if the air-condition can be turned up a bit.

8:05 p.m. A food runner delivers a basket of homemade bread sticks and an array of delicious looking gourmet bread slices along with an impressive bowl of dipping oil. Date, "Thank you but can we also get some butter please?"

8:20 p.m. Sitting across from this handsome intelligent man I couldn�t help but to feel for his misfortune in getting a glass of Merlot that had an odd "unwelcome" taste. Luckily our waitperson was happy to accommodate and delivered a replacement glass of Pinot post-haste.

8:30 p.m. It wasn�t until the onset of ordering our meal that the seeds planted upon arrival began to germinate. Date�s Fennel, Apple, Currants, Spicy Pecan and Gorgonzola Salad with Raspberry infused Vinaigrette Dressing thoughtfully became an Apple, Currants and Endive salad with just a drizzle of an extra-virgin olive oil and fresh lemon juice dressing with Blue Cheese crumbled atop and spicy pecans on the side.

8:34 p.m. Okay, I�m starting to get the picture. Date muses that he�d like the Roasted Salmon with Red Pepper and Corn relish however oil-free and pan seared, sans red peppers and with the sea bass lemon-and-thyme-scented salsa in lieu of the corn relish.

8:37 p.m. Both the waitperson and I were more than incorrect in assuming Date was out of requests when just prior to waitperson�s departure/escape Date expressed a desire for the music to be tolerably lowered and the lights moderately raised.

8:38 p.m. In shock and disbelief at my poor assessment of Date�s character and still unwilling to admit to my flawed ability to have pre-interpreted such a distinguished personality trait displayed with well honed competency I desperately looked for a defense, an excuse, explanation or rationalization. I eventually resort to scanning Date�s facial features greedily hoping it�s Jamie Kennedy in disguise pulling an elaborate prank and "X"-ing me for future airing on his WB candid camera-esque television show.

8:50 p.m. No, it�s not Jamie Kennedy but Date does send the salmon back making claim that it�s a tad more rare than he�d like.

8:56 p.m. I grasp at the straw that I�m being "Punk�d" by Ashton Kuchner and MTV.

9:03 p.m. It wasn�t until it had already slipped from my lips that I realized I had said with great despair, "Why me" audibly aloud. Date asks in an accusatory tone, "Excuse me?" Although I�m good at on the spot and off the cuff fabrication I was certainly being tested and felt pressure to perform false explanation with winning conviction.

9:30:15 After what seemed an eternity I choose the best of three conjured fish stories and responded with, "Why me? I mean what was it that made you want to go out with me?"

9:30:30 I searched his face for any clue that he was conceivably buying it.

9:31 p.m. Finally he speaks, "I thought you were really cute and really sexy and thought we had a lot in common. We're both easy going and laid back and I liked that you�re funny."

9:31:15 p.m. Oh my God he�s so cute. Extremely high-maintenance, and short of a ten inch dick doesn�t have a chance in hell of a second date, but so cute.

To be continued�

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