Monday, May. 12, 2003 - 2:38 p.m.

9:44 a.m. When I visited my friends Thad and Greg in Portland earlier in the year I had purchased a DIY lamp kit from an ultra mod furniture store for hipsters. My selection, The Norm69, is from a line of 1970�s retro-looking hanging lights by Normann of Copenhagen. The salesclerk promised a thirty-minute easy assembly with exaggeratedly simplistic instructions that even a moron could follow. Being much handier than moron I seized the opportunity to create rather than just purchase

Opening the box for the first time I was presented with hundreds of pieces of odd shaped wax-coated paper figures similar to that of unfolded Chinese food take-out containers.

9:48 a.m. A little apprehensive I empty the box of all pieces and sort through the contents looking for some reassurance that this will one day be a light fixture.

9:50 a.m. Looked at all the pieces.

9:50:15 a.m. Looked at the picture on the box.

9:50:30 a.m. Looked at all the pieces.

9:50:45 a.m. Looked at the picture on the box.

9:51 a.m. This can�t be right. The contents of this box cannot possibly turn into the given photo.

9:52 a.m. In search of enclosed magical incantation in which to chant over the strew paper scraps in hopes of enchanting or charming a true mystical does-it-itself lamp I am left with no further options than to consult directions. First line of supposed exaggeratedly simplistic instructions, "Lamp puzzle in 169 pieces, no tools, no glue needed, maximum exploit of light, no-dazzling construction." Say what? Lamp puzzle? And what exactly is a "no-dazzling construction"?

9:53 a.m. I put panic on the back burner and continue to read on, "Note! It is important to assemble the pieces in numerical succession. Therefore � take only one set of pieces out of pack at a time." Oops, too late.

9:54 a.m. Next line, "All elements to be assembled with dim side facing outwards." But I don�t see any dim side. Both sides look alike.

11:11 a.m. After fitting together approximately 25 puzzle pieces I figure out I have the dim side facing inwards.

Unbelievably frustrated I got up from my chair letting out a, "Uhhhhhh, God dammit" followed by stepping on my dog�s tail followed by my dog sustaining an ear-piercing high-pitched whine of pain united with fear. This is all I need, for my neighbors to think I kick my dogs. Being that all my windows were open I half expected someone to knock on the door and beg me to search my soul and seek help before abusing a helpless creature so trustingly dependent on my love and care. Being pro-active I yelled in tone equal in volume to my dogs shriek, "I stepped on her tail!" After thought, "On accident!" Then adding, "Sorry."

12:35 p.m. If this is do-it-yourself for morons then I am not even a moron. I am sub-moron paired with task-skill recommended for those with I.Q above 60.

12:40 p.m. Only half way through and this lamp appears to be origami gone horribly wrong. What made me think that a light fixture made of folded wax paper strips would be attractive for my entryway?

2:19 p.m. Nearly done, I curse the Danes and their so-called ingenuity.

2:56 p.m. Lamp complete, I acknowledge that a nearsighted person standing a florescent-lit football field away from my lamp possibly could see a resemblance to its photo. In hindsight I must face my limitations. I may be handy when it comes to demolition but I am not clever when it comes to construction. I may have good intentions but good intentions don�t make a pretty lamp. Finally, as a bi-American I should only buy American.

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