Wednesday, May 21, 2003 - 11:35 p.m.

American Idol 2

Part One:

3:30 p.m. Having arrived at the Universal Amphitheater way too early I relaxed in the car and listened to my CD from American Idol - Season 2 and counted my blessings that I was in possession of a golden ticket allowing me VIP entry to the final chapter of the American Idol 2 saga. Still vacillating between Ruben and Clay and unsure as to whom I want to win the magic carpet that took Miss Kelly Clarkson from a mere chunk-dyed hair obscurity to hair-extension platinum record super stardom.

4:05 p.m. The CD finally finishing with "�God bless the U.S.A." I come to the conclusion that Julia DeMato was robbed and Corey Clark, pending his felony assault convicting, was the luckiest of the 12-wannabe finalist.

4:08 p.m. Walking through Universal�s City Walk reminds me of a street scene from the film, "Blade Runner." I feel like the hoodlums lurking around each and every oversized neon sign could murder me given any incentive.

4:30 p.m. Opting to people watch I waited patiently outside Door 4 for my friends to arrive the amphitheater. First to arrive was Kandi my beautiful goddess-like friend holding a margarita in one hand and a foam finger proclaiming Clay to be "# 1" in the other. As she approaches she points with a cock of her head to a man over to her right and tells me, "See that guy over there? He was in the bar line in front of me. What a jerk!" I ask, "The guy in green? I went out with him." Horrified she asks, "Nooooo, is that �The Date�?" As I tell her, "Yep" she lets out one last, "Nooooo way."

4:30 p.m. Within moments we were joined by TC and our hostess for the evening, Ulani.

4:45 p.m. Once seated, down front in the VIP orchestra section, we found ourselves completely surrounded by diehard AI2 fans clad in the finest of out-dated ill-fitting well-worn Cheryl Tiegs-wear and carrying signage professing their undying love for "The Velvet Teddy Bear" or their everlasting "Aching for Aiken." The poster I carried was a bit more understated and straightforward reading, "Clay�s a Homo." Regardless of criticism I defend my decision to turn the O�s in homo into smiley faces giving Josh Gracen and Ryan Seacrest blow jobs.

4:50 p.m. Ushered in at the last moments and seated just several rows in front of us were some of last year�s AI top-ten rejects. They included the lovely and sexy Christina Christiansen wearing a fuchsia tube top and a four-inch wide fabric swatch that loosely hung from her slim hips in lieu of a skirt. She carried with her a small terrier, which I believe, when strategically placed, to be the latest fashion accessory for covering up one�s vagina. At her side was Tamyra Gray looking stunning in a white gown resembling an open parachute.

4:53 p.m. The murmur that seemed to be on everyone�s lips was "How�d you get your tickets?" However, I put an end to that when I told one lady donning a "Clay all the way" t-shirt, "I�m Clay�s boyfriend and yes, we�ve been �all the way�."

4:55 p.m. Poor Justin Guarini, escorted to his seat amongst the crowds sympathetic "Don�t worry Justin" "Justin it�s going to be okay" and "Oh well, you almost had a shot", was still reeling from the comparison of his last Wednesday�s amateurish rendition of Unchained Melody to that of Clay�s spectacular show-stopping version sung the evening prior. Some say his career died that night. I say what career?

5:00 p.m. Barely able to stand the excitement Ryan Seacrest at last introduces America to the show�s three judges. First out was Randy Jackson, easily as heavy as Ruben but carries much lower. Next introduced was Paula Abdul. With not a Paula in sight and through the magic of television a miniature claymation marionette was brought out in her stead. And although the doll was clearly a dark stained Wayland Flowers "Madam" puppet the audience never seemed to catch on. Finally all 38 bleached white teeth of the beloved and adored Simon Cowell entered the amphitheater to a thunderous razzing.

5:15 p.m. Bored.

5:18 p.m. Kandi, having stashed a flask in her giant foam finger, offered us shots of JD to deaden the pain of having to endure the hoots and hollers and wardrobe of our neighbors.

5:30 p.m. Afraid we�d go through the hooch way to fast and then be left with nothing but a headache I suggested that we only take shots when Clay shifts the microphone from one hand to the other.

5:40 p.m. One chorus of "Bridge Over Troubled Water" later the flask was empty.

5:55 p.m. To distract himself from the boredom during commercial breaks TC resorted to pointing out Clay�s homo-groupies in the audience and assigning them a number which correlated with how flaming they appeared with a "five-alarm" being the highest rating.

6:15 p.m. Nothing says "good times" like a medley sung by the cast of American Idol doing a flawless impersonation of Up With People.

6:52 p.m. Not a moment too soon Ruuuuuben was anointed American�s Idol number 2. The two blondes behind us actually cried. I found it touching that two grown men with home-dyed blonde hair were crying like schoolgirls. TC adjusted his rankings and deemed them "six-alarmers."

7:00 p.m. On to the VIP after-party.

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