Wednesday, Dec. 11, 2002 - 1:16 p.m.

11:38 a.m. Having learned my lesson I deliberately arrived early to the dentist office so I�d have ample time to search for hidden objects in this months Highlights for Children magazine. Good times most definitely insued as I found and circled, intentionally to ruin it for others, the golf club, dove, hat, bell, glove, candle, whip, harness, nipple clips and ball-gag. However it seemed to take me forever to find the thigh-high black latex spike-healed hurt-me boot but persistence paid off.

12:02 p.m. The inner-office door flew open and Danica, the dental assistant, looked right at me and sneezed. Accustom to the accent I translate the sneeze into "Garloo?" As she escorts me into tiny dental cubical she asked, "You know why you here today?" "Yes," I replied, "Do you?" "You here to get teef see-oad cause you brush too haad, 'sneeze'," she responds. I immediately think of two or three sarcastically witty comebacks but noticing the sharpness of the dental instruments think better of it. Danica continues, "You rait here, I come back with branket." Asking, "Why do I need a blanket?" proved a waste of time since there was no reply and no blanket.

12:10 p.m. Dr. Szell enters the cubical with the frenetic finesse of a short order cook short handed at a seedy over-crowded truck stop. As he works on sealing three of my teeth he�s verbally conducting business in two or three other cubicles. When he shouts, "No gold crowns to go!" I begin to feel queasy with discomfort. I try to focus on the word "branket." Trying to figure out the unaccented version of that word stumped me like a burly Portland logger with a brand new John Deere top of the line heavy-duty pro-series chain saw.

12:30 p.m. All filed, sealed and polished I give a final rinse and spit and ready myself to leave this dental factory for the more familiar insanity of my office when to my surprise Danica and two of her fellow cohorts came into my cubical and gathered around the dental chair. Although there was no cake or candle as I awaited them to sing Happy Birthday I suddenly felt trapped in a TGI Fridays nightmare. To my delight happy birthday was replaced with a three assistant Brite Smile Teeth Whitening System three part harmony sales pitch complete with "�and many more" replaced with "�100 dollars off during December."

12:36 p.m. When they freed me from my chair I gave them each a tight lipped smile, as if I could ever really hide, as Danica puts it, my hiderously rerrow teef from them and wished all a plaque-free holiday season. I wasn�t sure if they caught my joke until I overheard one of the ladies saying, "prak," and giggling with her friends.

12:52 p.m. Back in my car and staring in the rear view mirror I�m convinced the dental office used a yellow light filter as part of the con to sell their whitening system. How dare they!

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