Tuesday, Mar. 01, 2005 - 2:12 a.m.

Paige Davis
c/o TLC's Trading Spaces

Dear Paige,

I know your lawyers have repeatedly sent me letters threatening criminal action if I continue to make contact with you but, once again, I just can't help myself. My friend JD, from Boston, broke the news to me that you've been fired from Trading Spaces and will not be on the show as of next season. You could only imagine my shock and dismay. Paige, you are my world. So, rest assured that a nationwide letter writing campaign protesting this outrage is in the works. (I wrote one and I think my mom's going to write one too.)

Please don't worry about your future. You are an unbelievably perky woman with big things ahead. I'm sure there are plenty of other Do-it-yourself shows in need of your hostess expertise. Well, not so much expertise as lets say proficiency. Okay, sure, Bob Villa was much more popular than you when he was fired from hosting This Old House and just because he could never find another job, anywhere, doesn't mean it's definitely over for you. Actually, on a positive note he did finally lose the depression weight that he piled on after accepting his career was over and that there was no market for a has-been cable TV host.

Look on the bright side; your former colleague Ty Pennington landed a great gig on ABC. So great, he's now on Sunday and Monday nights. Some would say that you can't compare apples to oranges but I disagree. Sure he was always way more popular than you, totally hot whereas you're perky average, actually skilled at something and often touted as a scene stealer forcing you into a lesser subservient unflattering role as a jealous neurotic actress that threw away all her hopes and dreams of becoming a star in exchange for a speck of popularity as a two-bit TLC hostess. Oh, and there is the fact that he quit the show and you're being fired. But again, apples and oranges right?

Anyway, just to keep you updated, I received news earlier today that my Paige Davis wig will be ready at the end of the week so I'll be available for look-a-like shows mid-March.

Much love and best of luck.

Your biggest fan ever,
Garloo

p.s. If I don't hear back from you I'll write to you again in two hours.
p.s.s. Oh, and don't worry about those horrible rumors romantically linking you with Trading Spaces' handywoman Amy Wynn Pastor. Write me back, okay Paige? Okay?
p.s.s.s. Do you know if Carter Oosterhouse ever got my letters or the clothes I made him? Let me know. Write back!

�

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