Friday, Feb. 14, 2003 - 12:39 p.m.

10:07 a.m. Having accepted the fact that being single is not all that and having never been into the bar scene and not being able to count on all those friends who used to say, "If you were only single I�d fix you up with my friend who�d be perfect for you." I started exploring the unique world of Internet dating web sites. So, having bit the bullet and done the research I decided on a site and am going to list a personals ad.

11:25 a.m. Just realized I�ve been staring at the profile questionnaire for more than an hour. I never imagined the level of difficulty in filling out a simple form would be similar to a graduate nuclear physics final exam. For instance:

Question 1: Profile nickname*:

*This must be different from you membername. Choose wisely, as the nickname cannot be changed once you create an ad.

They make it sound so simple. Almost easy. But this is where the battle is won or lost. Your "profile nickname" has to be clever but not too clever, fun but not inane, sexy but not slutty. Garloo4u? No. GarlooSaysSupYo? I think not. HotGarlooMuscleJockBoyNow? Anyway, I�ll come back to this question later.

Question 2: Profile headline:

12:10 a.m. If I can�t even come up with a "profile nickname" how do they expect me to come up with a "profile headline?" I�m getting nauseous. I�ll come back to this question later.

Completely dismayed I luck out with questions 3 � 10. While filling in my height, weight, eye and hair color, education, ethnicity, religion, star sign I�m lulled into a false sense that I�m home free until jarred back to panic with:

Question 11: Cigarettes: a. never b. sometimes c. often.

This is a deceivingly tricky two-parter because I have to answer for myself and my preference for the perfect partner. The truth is I don�t smoke but sometimes when I drink and I�m hanging with smokers nothing tastes better than a cigarette. But "sometimes" seems to imply more often than every once and a while. So, do I put "never" and then run the risk of disgusting my perfect match when he first spies me sucking on the butt of a Marlborough 100 Light or put "sometimes" and run the risk of my sole mate passing me over because of his irrational fear that a "sometimes" smoker is actually an "often" smoker who�s lying about the fact that they chain smoke three packs of Camel�s before lunch. And what do I answer for him? I certainly don�t want an "often" smoker but do I want to be with someone who considers himself a "never"? A "never" seems so uptight and unbendable almost rigid. However, a "sometimes" smoker makes me think a couple of cigarettes a week and with my luck that will become a couple of cigarettes a day and then by our first anniversary it will become chain smoking three packs of Camel�s before lunch. I�m come back to this question later.

1:35 p.m. Breezed through the "Booze" question answering: Me � sometimes and You � sometimes.

1:36 p.m. Drugs. Oh God. With "often" being definitely out I�m left with "never" or "sometimes." I should probably answer "never" but what if somebody offers us really fun drugs?

Question 14: Self-deprecation.

Self-deprecation? Are they kidding? Is this code for "how neurotic are you"? I can�t answer this one. I wonder if anyone would notice if I left this blank but then again maybe that�d be sending a very bad message. Self-deprecation? Why would they ask that? I�m no good at this. I suck at these types of questions. Maybe it would be easier to up my workouts and then hit the bar scene. I guess I should probably check "never." Right? What should I answer for what I�m seeking? If I check "never" I�m liable to only attract pompous arrogant self confident A-type personality jerks with full heads of hair and straight white teeth who aren�t afraid of pool parties or overhead florescent lighting who are going to leave me upon observing the smallest fissure in my masking of my to often disparagement or undervaluation of my abilities. But then again if I go with "sometimes" I may end up with someone like me. I�m going to think about this a bit longer and come back to this question later.

4:02 p.m. In the midst of a full on cluster headache I decide I�m going to put off working on the essay questions until tomorrow.

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