Tuesday, Oct. 15, 2002 - 2:30 p.m.

8:20 a.m. Since it was my first time with this dentist office I thought arriving early would make a good impression and in turn may encourage the hygienist to go easy.

8:30 a.m. Amy, the dental assistant, came into the waiting room looked right at me and sneezed. She suddenly, with twice the determination, sneezed again. I offered her a "God bless you" seconds before realizing she was saying, "Garloo?."

8:32 a.m. Chest bibbed, crotch lead-aproned and mouth agape I was prepped and readied. I pray it�s x-rays. It is. 138 x-rays actually. A full set chronicling every nook, cranny, crack, crevice, and crater of each and every tooth from every direction and angle. I was quite impressed with Amy�s ability to shove a 4x4 piece of cardboard into my mouth and instruct me to "bite it" all the while wielding a massive machine to and fro up and over and around my face coming to rest on my cheek at the precise target spot. The epitome of efficiency, if airport security would only hire Amy the skies would be a safer place to be.

9:05 a.m. Like an Olympic torch, I am competently passed from assistant to hygienist. Before Danica even turns to look at me she says, "You no fross! Why you no fross?" On the endless forms a new patient must fill out I was certain I checked the box requesting cleaning sans lecture. It was not to be. "Why no you fross?" was to become my Chinese water torture and will most likely echo inside my mouth bouncing off my newly scraped and polished teeth for weeks to come until resting like day old plaque beneath my gumline mocking me until six months pass and history repeats itself.

9:20 a.m. I heard someone sneeze in the other room and wondered if Amy was calling my name.

9:45 a.m. Dr. C. Szell makes his appearance. As he folds back my lips like a seasoned horse trader he complements my bicuspids and incisors. The accent sounds eerily familiar. I begin to panic as scenes of Hoffman and Olivier flash before my eyes. I want to scream, "It�s safe!" but he�s got me by the tongue. "Ith thath. Ith thath!" comes out as a mumble.

10:05 a.m. Sweaty and exhausted I shock myself my scheduling an appointment for April. Can�t wait.

11:18 a.m. In defiance I chew ice.

�

previous - next