Wednesday, Oct. 20, 2004 - 9:59 a.m.

1:51 p.m. It�s cold and it�s raining today. On a day like this it�s easy for me to sit back and reflect on what knocking over just one single domino can do, did, to my life.

It was about eight weeks ago and during my daily morning routine consisting of taking a shower, brushing my teeth, promising myself that I�d floss tomorrow, weighing and measuring my testicles that I noticed a very strange and bizarre occurrence. It seems my testes, like a miracle, had grown overnight to a size and proportion quite large and unique and resembling good size potatoes. Rustics essentially.

This wasn�t like the time that I drank a bottle of Kalua and my ears swelled up like baseball mitts. This was monumental, colossal, actually epic since I had always hoped that one day I�d have the balls big enough to say, �No more crazies in my life. I�m done. I�m finally through.� That morning was the beginning of a whole new day, a brand new outlook, a new life.

The first thing I did was put on a pair of baggy cargo pants then said, �fuck it� and gingerly changed into a pair of tight fitting jeans that appropriately reflected my newly adjusted, shall we say, attitude and drove off to work. Strutting down the corridor toward The Bosses office I was almost giddy with my new mantra as I readied myself to be rid of the number one crazy that I had somehow allowed remaining in my life under the guise of the �golden handcuffs� of being grossly overpaid with endless job security.

Pushing my way into The Bosses office, past some other sniveling employee, I was moments away from finally being free. Upon viewing him reclined in his desk chair, gigantic belly tethered by a man-girdle, neck coked by a buttoned collar as his chins rest upon a soiled Windsor knotted piece of vertical stripped silk I no longer felt the need to swallow my reflex and I let loose a guttural sound of disgust. What I had planned to say was something like, �Gee, you�ve been great but I think it�s time for me to move one.� What came out was, �Your mama�s a ho.� The Boss struggling to right himself in his chair, gasped enough air to mutter, �Wha wha what did you say?� Regaining a smidge of composure I replied, �Your mama�s a cum sponge, your son should be institutionalized, your wife�s got a fuckin� Adam�s apple, your dog doesn�t have the brain capacity to know his own name and I HATE what I�ve needed to become to survive working for you. I quit.� One more thought occurred to me, �Oh, and next time you take a piss shake it a couple more times before you put it away.� The poor guy sat stunned with only the wherewithal to turn a deep deep beet-red.

Moments later Knoxville, my ever-loyal and trusted assistant, cranked his CD player and with my childhood Great Garloo battery operated robot tucked under my left arm and a security guard under my right, I proudly strode past applauding co-workers and support staff to the theme song of �An Officer and a Gentleman.� The last thing I heard before the door slammed shut on this 10 year chapter of my life was a fusion of Jennifer Warren and Joe Cocker singing �You lift me up where I belong�� and The Boss shrieking, �Krispy Kreme God dammit!�

2:38 p.m. Still raining and still reflecting I look back on that day as a baby step. Since then the �crazies� in my life have been unceremoniously cut out with Lizzie Borden subtlety.

Further, I called the admissions office of a New York university and accepted their offer to enroll me as a full-time student in a graduate Master�s program. A week later I leased out my L.A. condo and moved to New York City and into a one-bedroom apartment on the Upper West Side. A week after that I was taking notes in class and squelching rumors that I�m somebody�s dad or a visiting professor.

4:10 p.m. It has just about stopped raining and, as I am just about through being melancholy, I realize that as stressful as it has been uprooting myself for the potential of something great and possible happiness I can now stop looking at my life in terms of it�s potential and acknowledge that I am truly happy and it is truly GREAT!

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